March 3rd, 2008

With the big day that is tomorrow, I was remembering what today felt like 4 years ago.  I went to my blog post from that day.  Just thought I would share it here again.  (It was when I was using Wordpress!).  Crazy how life can hit you hard out of nowhere, huh?  Little did we know what March 4th had in store....


So here is a repost of March 3rd, 2008:

So…..I just can’t shake the sickies this winter. I spent the last 4-5 days with the nasty flu. So much for last minute plans before the baby arrives!!!! But such is life, right?

Just wanted to share some layouts I was holding back. Hoping for publication but I have hit a major dry spell. So it is time to share them!

You will see I am in love with Making Memories products lately!

This one was really just for fun…lots of pink, a cute photo of my girl and lots of hand sewing!

I just had to document Kennedy’s dinner prayers. I really need to videotape it as well…she squeezes her eyes shut and whispers her prayers…beyond adorable!

These photos have been waiting to be scrapped for over a year! Finally found the perfect papers for them!!!! I am loving these circular papers!
This one was more about the song than anything. I just LOVE the song Gracie by Ben Folds. (Thanks Ryan for burning the song for me!) I cried the first time I heard it and thought of Kennedy. So everytime I sing it I change Gracie to Kenna! Just wanted to document it so I never forget!
And just a fun one with the KI Lace – yum! Kennedy LOVED hanging from this bar at the pool last year…lil dare devil!

AND……………..
I decided to do a little RAK!!!!
I was just RAK’ed twice in the past few weeks. Once by my scrappy friend (and new momma) chickypie a.k.a Emily! Thanks for the scrapping goodies Emily!!!!
And another time by the talented and super sweet Wendy Reed. I am so psyched I get one of her hand made bracelets!!! You have to check out her Etsy shop, Sweet Me Designs…she has THE cutest things! Thanks Wendy!
So, I have decided to have my own little RAK to spread the love!!!
But you have to do a little guessing first!! Since we don’t know the gender of our little baby I decided I would have you all guess the gender as well as the weight and length!! Whomever gets closest will get some fun scrappy goodness from me!
Just post your guesses for GENDER, WEIGHT, & LENGTH here! I will likely not check back in again for about a week – but I will announce the winner here on my blog!!
And I thought it might be nice of me to tell you what Kennedy was when she was born, just to play with your mind! She was 41 weeks mind you! But she was 21 inches 8lbs 5.5oz!
LET THE GUESSING BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!

2 Years Ago

Life has really changed in two years.  For all of us I am sure.  Sometimes we are better off then we were - others times life seems worse.  I know several people who don't like to think about the past - fro various reasons.  But I have learned that going back and revisiting certain seasons in my life is good and healthy for me.  So I am going to share with you what life was like for me 2 Januarys ago. It was a rough few weeks but God showed me a lot and I learned a great deal. (btw, this is really long)

1/15/2010: Friday:  I took a pregnancy test (ok, I took two!).  They were positive!  I remember being thrilled but a bit nervous, too!  Guess who I told first!   KENNEDY!  Which may or may not have been the best choice at the time.  She was at preschool when I took the test.  Jeff was at work.  I was bursting to tell SOMEONE so I told her when I picked her up from school.  We went shopping to get something small to surprise Daddy with the news.  I honestly can't remember what it was!

1/16/2010:  Saturday: I had a migraine. Those nearest me know that when I stress, I get migraines. 

1/18/2010:  Monday: I had another migraine.  (I normally get only a handful a year as I can manage them fairly well.)

1/19/2010:  Tuesday:  My first appt. with my OB, Dr. R!  Because I estimated I was 8 weeks along and due to losing Sam, they scheduled me in to see Dr. R early!  I was so thrilled for the sonogram!  Dr. R seemed a bit surprised that we were pregnant again but was happy for us. At the sono, the tech was quiet. She asked if I was sure I was 8 weeks.  I said it was just a guess and I could be a little bit off.  She said I was measuring only 5 weeks. That kind of threw me...I didn't think I was 3 weeks off.  She looked around a lot and kept measuring.  She eventually said she saw a sac, but no baby.  She tried to reassure me that 5 weeks can be early to see something and I shouldn't worry too much yet.  But I could tell she wasn't so sure.  She and Dr. R told me to come back in a week.  That week was one of the longest of my life.

During that week I talked with God a lot.  I obviously was praying that there would indeed be a baby growing in me next time I went in.  I couldn't imagine walking down the road of saying goodbye to another baby again.  But I also continued to proclaim my trust in God and that his will is good.  Saying that out loud and to myself is one thing, but deeply believing it when things are rough can get hard. Often I prayed for God to give me a sign either way, so I could be prepared at the next appointment.  Meanwhile, we didn't tell anyone else about the pregnancy (or as it was called, possible pregnancy).


1/24/10:  Sunday:  I had another migraine.  It didn't help that Jeff's Auntie Ann was suffering from cancer and had taken a turn for the worse.  Or that Jeff discovered a blood clot in his leg that stretched from his groin to his ankle.  But God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  And I was really feeling like God was telling me this baby was going to be just fine.

1/25/10:  Tuesday:  My 2nd appt with Dr. R.  She was trying her best to seem upbeat, but wanted me to get the sono and then come back and visit with her.  So we went back to the sono.  Each and every sono I had had up to the point had been so exciting!  We were so eager to see our little ones on the screen, watch them move, maybe even hiccup!  Not this time.  We were so hopeful that we would see a little bean in there but also knew this could be devastating.  The tech searched and searched and measured and measured.  But again, no baby.  She did say that my sac was now measuring 6 weeks but she still didn't see ANYTHING in the sac.
We went to visit with Dr. R.  She was very sorry about it all...she said it was likely a blighted ovum.  I didn't know the details of a blighted ovum but went home and researched my heart out.  Dr. R. was a bit confused as to why the sac was still growing, though.  She did say that can happen with a B.O but she asked me to have my blood drawn and levels checked.   Soon after that we went home feeling pretty helpless.

I had so many things shuffling through my head.  Why did I have to and tell Kennedy she would be a big sis when I was going to have to turn around and tell her that she really wasn't?  Why couldn't we have a definitive answer now and not continue to play the waiting game?  Had I missed God in all this?  Why?


1/26/10:  Wedensday: Dr. R's office called with my HcG results.  She gave me numbers that I didn't understand.  She basically said my levels matched someone who would be 6 weeks pregnanct and that I needed to come in Thursday to check them again.  Seriously?!  I was a mess.  A real mess. And surprise!  I got another migraine.

While researching HcG levels and blighted ovums, I found this website: The Misdiagnosed Misscarriage  I was flloored by the information I was reading.  I read story after story of women who had been told they had a blighted ovum, whose levels were just like mine and had been told they had likely already miscarried or that they would soon.  Some went ahead and had D&Cs.  But MANY of the women had amazing stories of their doctors being wrong and them having healthy babies.  I was so confused at this point.  Jeff was doing his best to keep my spirits high but the waiting game was intense.

1/28/10: Thursday: I went into the Dr's office for more bloodwork.  I was feeling pretty bad.  They asked me to come back the next day for one last sono, just in case. This is my blog post from that day: http://danijeffholsapple.blogspot.com/2010/01/gravity.html

1/29/10: Friday:  I went alone to this appointment.  Jeff had already missed enough work and I was pretty sure I knew what the out come would be.  Unfortunately I know WAY too many people who have suffered miscarriages so I was trying to prepare myself for what I felt lied ahead.  Pain, bleeding, more appts.  I just wanted to get the appt done and get home.

I saw a different tech this time.  She looked over my chart and said she would do her best and look really thoroughly.  She had been doing this job for 24 years and she was really good at it, or so she said!  She looked and looked, both outside and inside.  I could tell she was really wanting to find a baby in there.  She said my uterus was extremely tipped, also known as a retroverted uterus.  In all her years in the job, mine was the most tilted she had ever seen. I thought it was interesting no one had ever mentioned that to me before.  Right before she was ready to flip off the machine she asked to try one more time.  She set the sensor on my belly and I saw it!  And I heard it - immediately!  There was a flutterling little heartbeat in there!  And it was pounding away!  My jaw dropped open - she was silent.  I said, "That's a heartbeat, right?" And she whispered "Yes!"  I started crying - she almost started crying!  We were both truly amazed!  I had this intense sense of relief and overwhelming joy!  That was our baby!!!  With a heartbeat of 134!  I was so full of gratitude as I walked the hall to Dr. R's office.

I was beaming when she walked into the exam room and she looked at me and then quickly looked away.  She said, "I really don't want to give you this news, Danielle.  There doesn't seem to be a baby."  I looked at her in shock and then said "But I just saw a heartbeat at the sono."  She looked so confused and and said "What?!"  I told her again and she jumped off her stool!  She said a curse word I won't mention and gave me a huge bear hug!  Apparently they hadn't given her the sono results yet and she had only seen my levels!  I will never forget her reaction and excitement!!!

The rest of the pregnancy was something God continued to use to teach me about him and myself!  He is my rock, He is my shelter, He is my fortress.  Through this I have learned to lean on him more and trust in him fully.

Proverbs 3:4-6    

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Isaiah 26:4
Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.

Coll 3:1-2 " Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things."

Psalm 121: 1-2
"I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of Heaven and Earth."

Psalm 34: 4-6
"I sought the Lord and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord
heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles."

And now....16.5 months later, our Quinn is a valuable part of our family in the flesh!!!

We thank God daily for this blessing he has given us! 

Goodbye Jennifer

Jennifer,
How can it be that you are gone? I still don't think I have my mind wrapped around it completely. The news hit me like a brick wall. I am sure it was the same with everyone else who knew you. How? Why? My mind was flooded with questions and I couldn't think straight. I still have many questions. But one lesson that grief has taught me is that asking why is futile. We will never know. Only Jesus can answer that. So, while I feel so deeply right now that there can be no good reason, I will chose to trust in Him, knowing that He has an answer and that He is good.

But that doesn't make me miss you any less. Jennifer. We may have known each other almost our entire lives! I am guessing we met for the first time before we were even aware of it! However, I have plenty of memories of childhood that do include you!
See that picture! This was in 1983. You, me, Gretchen and Ryan all bundled up on your Grandparent's porch swing! By the way we were dressed you would think it was a blizzard - but why is there no snow on the ground?!?! ;) A great deal of my memories from Terril have you in them. And your grandparent's old house.

*********

This is a favorite picture. You, me, Kayleen at the Legion Hall in Terril - Thanksgiving 1988. Did we put on a show for our extended family that year? I can't remember. I just remember a lot of laughs and squealing. I think we ran around outside a lot this Thanksgiving because the weather was so nice. You were always so fast!!!!

************* Yet another photo of us together in Terril, all 3 of us circa 1992. By this point we were into boys...was this the weekend of the sesquicentennial? Did we end up going to the street dance in front of Legion Hall? I can't remember. But I do remember another dance we attended together. It was likely the next summer or that next year. You came and spent some time with me and my family in Hampton for awhile. I remember getting out the gymnastics mats and messing around in our side yard! What goofs!



*************

Sadly, this may be the last picture I have of us together. My wedding in 2002. How can that be? You even lived and taught down here in KS. Why did we not spend more time together? I remember the time we set you up on a blind date with one of Jeff's friends and we went to an Italian restaurant! Afterward we came back to our house and I think we played games?!?! Jeff's friend was head over heels - he thought you were amazing! Because you were! But you two never spoke again - at least not to my knowledge!! ;)



**************

When I think of you Jennifer, I think of a person who was bursting with energy and positivity! Your beautiful smile was always on your face - it could light up a room! You always seemed to have such a strong sense of who you were and you were so confident. Yet, you were never arrogant - quite the opposite. You were a fun-loving girl who was up for anything. Adventurous, vibrant, gorgeous, intelligent, kind, driven, a lover of family and life. You will be deeply missed by so many dear cousin.
Much love.

http://www.kcrg.com/news/local/Kennedy-HS-Administrators-Confirm-Teacher-Killed-After-Tree-Falls-on-Tent-122804254.html

Walking With You...

Here is our new topic for this week....

This week we are sharing some of the things that people said to us while we were in the throws of grief...for better or for worse. Losing a child changes a person, and along with that comes changes in our relationships with friends and relatives. In some ways, our new perspective reveals what's really important in life, and who really cares about us.

I personally feel like I have been very fortunate. I can't remember many things that were said to me that hurt deeply. My family and friends were so very kind and supportive. Even if they said something a little bit insensitive, I just brushed it off because I knew it wasn't meant to be malicious or hurtful. There were many things that were said to me repeatedly that weren't exactly comforting:

• You can still have more kids.
• At least you have your daughter.
• God knows what he is doing and has a reason.
• You will get to be with him in Heaven.
• It will get easier with time.
• Now you have an angel watching over you.
• I know how you feel. My grandpa/dog/aunt, etc died recently too.
• At least you aren't like (insert name). They lost more than one child.
  

While these weren't comforting comments to me, I knew that they were said with the sincerest of intentions. In our culture, death is taboo. It is kind of scary for some. It is something you don't talk about. It makes people very uncomfortable. I admit to feeling all these things before Sam died. In fact, one of the things I most regret saying in my life is something I said at a funeral. The father of a teenager I knew had died. When I saw the son I blurted out "So, how are you?" I know...what an idiot. How was he supposed to answer that question? "I'm great - burying my dad today!" I felt horrible as soon as the words came out of my mouth. Today I still cringe at my thoughtlessness. However, I think it has helped me to be gracious to those who truly tried to comfort me when Sam died.

Personally, what hurt the most was the things people DIDN'T DO or DIDN'T SAY. It was very hard when people acted like nothing happened. It hurt when people didn't remember anniversary dates. It hurt when it seemed everyone else had forgotten my sweet boy. That was much harder for me to deal with. In a few cases, it opened my eyes to which people in my life TRULY cared. I was surprised by many people - both in good ways and bad ways.

The things that helped me most where those who came and just sat with me. Or just cried with me. People who didn't offer many words of encouragement...they just let me be me, and let me be where I was in my suffering at that moment. Those people will never know how special that was to me.

Hosting a grieving mothers support group in my home over the past year, I have met many women who have lost a child or pregnancy. All of our stories are different. Yet all of us have suffered immensely.Through these women I have learned that what offend some people does not offend others. And what comforts you might not comfort me. Grieving is very individual and we all experience it in a unique way. But we have all agreed that we greatly appreciate hugs and shared tears. They speak louder than words.