Life has really changed in two years. For all of us I am sure. Sometimes we are better off then we were - others times life seems worse. I know several people who don't like to think about the past - fro various reasons. But I have learned that going back and revisiting certain seasons in my life is good and healthy for me. So I am going to share with you what life was like for me 2 Januarys ago. It was a rough few weeks but God showed me a lot and I learned a great deal. (btw, this is really long)
1/15/2010: Friday: I took a pregnancy test (ok, I took two!). They were positive! I remember being thrilled but a bit nervous, too! Guess who I told first! KENNEDY! Which may or may not have been the best choice at the time. She was at preschool when I took the test. Jeff was at work. I was bursting to tell SOMEONE so I told her when I picked her up from school. We went shopping to get something small to surprise Daddy with the news. I honestly can't remember what it was!
1/16/2010: Saturday: I had a migraine. Those nearest me know that when I stress, I get migraines.
1/18/2010: Monday: I had another migraine. (I normally get only a handful a year as I can manage them fairly well.)
1/19/2010: Tuesday: My first appt. with my OB, Dr. R! Because I estimated I was 8 weeks along and due to losing Sam, they scheduled me in to see Dr. R early! I was so thrilled for the sonogram! Dr. R seemed a bit surprised that we were pregnant again but was happy for us. At the sono, the tech was quiet. She asked if I was sure I was 8 weeks. I said it was just a guess and I could be a little bit off. She said I was measuring only 5 weeks. That kind of threw me...I didn't think I was 3 weeks off. She looked around a lot and kept measuring. She eventually said she saw a sac, but no baby. She tried to reassure me that 5 weeks can be early to see something and I shouldn't worry too much yet. But I could tell she wasn't so sure. She and Dr. R told me to come back in a week. That week was one of the longest of my life.
During that week I talked with God a lot. I obviously was praying that there would indeed be a baby growing in me next time I went in. I couldn't imagine walking down the road of saying goodbye to another baby again. But I also continued to proclaim my trust in God and that his will is good. Saying that out loud and to myself is one thing, but deeply believing it when things are rough can get hard. Often I prayed for God to give me a sign either way, so I could be prepared at the next appointment. Meanwhile, we didn't tell anyone else about the pregnancy (or as it was called, possible pregnancy).
1/24/10: Sunday: I had another migraine. It didn't help that Jeff's Auntie Ann was suffering from cancer and had taken a turn for the worse. Or that Jeff discovered a blood clot in his leg that stretched from his groin to his ankle. But God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I was really feeling like God was telling me this baby was going to be just fine.
1/25/10: Tuesday: My 2nd appt with Dr. R. She was trying her best to seem upbeat, but wanted me to get the sono and then come back and visit with her. So we went back to the sono. Each and every sono I had had up to the point had been so exciting! We were so eager to see our little ones on the screen, watch them move, maybe even hiccup! Not this time. We were so hopeful that we would see a little bean in there but also knew this could be devastating. The tech searched and searched and measured and measured. But again, no baby. She did say that my sac was now measuring 6 weeks but she still didn't see ANYTHING in the sac.
We went to visit with Dr. R. She was very sorry about it all...she said it was likely a blighted ovum. I didn't know the details of a blighted ovum but went home and researched my heart out. Dr. R. was a bit confused as to why the sac was still growing, though. She did say that can happen with a B.O but she asked me to have my blood drawn and levels checked. Soon after that we went home feeling pretty helpless.
I had so many things shuffling through my head. Why did I have to and tell Kennedy she would be a big sis when I was going to have to turn around and tell her that she really wasn't? Why couldn't we have a definitive answer now and not continue to play the waiting game? Had I missed God in all this? Why?
1/26/10: Wedensday: Dr. R's office called with my HcG results. She gave me numbers that I didn't understand. She basically said my levels matched someone who would be 6 weeks pregnanct and that I needed to come in Thursday to check them again. Seriously?! I was a mess. A real mess. And surprise! I got another migraine.
While researching HcG levels and blighted ovums, I found this website:
The Misdiagnosed Misscarriage I was flloored by the information I was reading. I read story after story of women who had been told they had a blighted ovum, whose levels were just like mine and had been told they had likely already miscarried or that they would soon. Some went ahead and had D&Cs. But MANY of the women had amazing stories of their doctors being wrong and them having healthy babies. I was so confused at this point. Jeff was doing his best to keep my spirits high but the waiting game was intense.
1/28/10: Thursday: I went into the Dr's office for more bloodwork. I was feeling pretty bad. They asked me to come back the next day for one last sono, just in case. This is my blog post from that day:
http://danijeffholsapple.blogspot.com/2010/01/gravity.html
1/29/10: Friday: I went alone to this appointment. Jeff had already missed enough work and I was pretty sure I knew what the out come would be. Unfortunately I know WAY too many people who have suffered miscarriages so I was trying to prepare myself for what I felt lied ahead. Pain, bleeding, more appts. I just wanted to get the appt done and get home.
I saw a different tech this time. She looked over my chart and said she would do her best and look really thoroughly. She had been doing this job for 24 years and she was really good at it, or so she said! She looked and looked, both outside and inside. I could tell she was really wanting to find a baby in there. She said my uterus was extremely tipped, also known as a retroverted uterus. In all her years in the job, mine was the most tilted she had ever seen. I thought it was interesting no one had ever mentioned that to me before. Right before she was ready to flip off the machine she asked to try one more time. She set the sensor on my belly and I saw it! And I heard it - immediately! There was a flutterling little heartbeat in there! And it was pounding away! My jaw dropped open - she was silent. I said, "That's a heartbeat, right?" And she whispered "Yes!" I started crying - she almost started crying! We were both truly amazed! I had this intense sense of relief and overwhelming joy! That was our baby!!! With a heartbeat of 134! I was so full of gratitude as I walked the hall to Dr. R's office.
I was beaming when she walked into the exam room and she looked at me and then quickly looked away. She said, "I really don't want to give you this news, Danielle. There doesn't seem to be a baby." I looked at her in shock and then said "But I just saw a heartbeat at the sono." She looked so confused and and said "What?!" I told her again and she jumped off her stool! She said a curse word I won't mention and gave me a huge bear hug! Apparently they hadn't given her the sono results yet and she had only seen my levels! I will never forget her reaction and excitement!!!
The rest of the pregnancy was something God continued to use to teach me about him and myself! He is my rock, He is my shelter, He is my fortress. Through this I have learned to lean on him more and trust in him fully.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
Isaiah 26:4
Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.
Coll 3:1-2 "
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things
above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind
on things above, not on earthly things."
Psalm 121: 1-2
"I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of Heaven and Earth."
Psalm 34: 4-6
"I sought the Lord and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord
heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles."
And now....16.5 months later, our Quinn is a valuable part of our family in the flesh!!!
We thank God daily for this blessing he has given us!
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