March 3rd, 2008

With the big day that is tomorrow, I was remembering what today felt like 4 years ago.  I went to my blog post from that day.  Just thought I would share it here again.  (It was when I was using Wordpress!).  Crazy how life can hit you hard out of nowhere, huh?  Little did we know what March 4th had in store....


So here is a repost of March 3rd, 2008:

So…..I just can’t shake the sickies this winter. I spent the last 4-5 days with the nasty flu. So much for last minute plans before the baby arrives!!!! But such is life, right?

Just wanted to share some layouts I was holding back. Hoping for publication but I have hit a major dry spell. So it is time to share them!

You will see I am in love with Making Memories products lately!

This one was really just for fun…lots of pink, a cute photo of my girl and lots of hand sewing!

I just had to document Kennedy’s dinner prayers. I really need to videotape it as well…she squeezes her eyes shut and whispers her prayers…beyond adorable!

These photos have been waiting to be scrapped for over a year! Finally found the perfect papers for them!!!! I am loving these circular papers!
This one was more about the song than anything. I just LOVE the song Gracie by Ben Folds. (Thanks Ryan for burning the song for me!) I cried the first time I heard it and thought of Kennedy. So everytime I sing it I change Gracie to Kenna! Just wanted to document it so I never forget!
And just a fun one with the KI Lace – yum! Kennedy LOVED hanging from this bar at the pool last year…lil dare devil!

AND……………..
I decided to do a little RAK!!!!
I was just RAK’ed twice in the past few weeks. Once by my scrappy friend (and new momma) chickypie a.k.a Emily! Thanks for the scrapping goodies Emily!!!!
And another time by the talented and super sweet Wendy Reed. I am so psyched I get one of her hand made bracelets!!! You have to check out her Etsy shop, Sweet Me Designs…she has THE cutest things! Thanks Wendy!
So, I have decided to have my own little RAK to spread the love!!!
But you have to do a little guessing first!! Since we don’t know the gender of our little baby I decided I would have you all guess the gender as well as the weight and length!! Whomever gets closest will get some fun scrappy goodness from me!
Just post your guesses for GENDER, WEIGHT, & LENGTH here! I will likely not check back in again for about a week – but I will announce the winner here on my blog!!
And I thought it might be nice of me to tell you what Kennedy was when she was born, just to play with your mind! She was 41 weeks mind you! But she was 21 inches 8lbs 5.5oz!
LET THE GUESSING BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!

Cemetery

Well, its Memorial Day Weekend. We always try to get out to the cemetery to spruce up Sam's site. But we ended up going earlier in the week.

Tornados were all around the KC area this past week. On Wednesday, one touched down very briefly in Louisburg, where the cemetery is. Kennedy and I watched a news story about a man who was in his pick up truck when the tornado picked it up, spun it around and dropped it back onto the ground. The state trooper was being interviewed at the site and it was by the cemetery! We later saw shots of trees down on top of graves. So we decided we should head out there to survey the damage the next day.

Luckily, the weather held out! Thankfully it was a small tornado that didn't do much damage. There were downed trees, but I assume they must have been sick or weaker trees as many, many others were totally fine. But here are some them...


Sam's are was fine! No damage at all! So we changed out the flowers, took out some decorations that had rusted over the winter, put out a new pfag and weeded. We had a little picnic lunch, too. It was Quinn's first time to "see" Sam's site...which Kennedy thinks is very important! So here they are at the cleaned up spot!

We miss our boy so very much! May you all have a blessed Memorial Day Weekend!!!

three

1 Samuel 3:4 Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.”

Did I ever share this verse with all of you? Well, I call it Sam's verse. And the crazy thing is that he was born March 4th - 3/4. And check out the verse..1 Samuel 3:4. Some might call it coincidence - but I call it God. :) This was just one of the ways God showed me that his hand was all over Sam's short life and his death. This verse has brought me such peace. I think back to the night we said goodbye to Sam. He was in Daddy's arms when he likely heard the most amazing sound - God's voice calling him home. So he went from the arms of his earthly Daddy directly to the arms of his heavenly Daddy.

Psalm 34:18
¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

So Sam would be celebrating his 3rd birthday today. THREE. Can that even be right?! I often wonder what he would be like. Would he have his Dad's dark brown hair or my light brown hair? What about his eyes? We never got to see his eyes open and I have always felt bad about that. Would Sam be a talker like Kennedy or more reserved and quiet? What would his favorite activities be? Would he spend hours coloring with Kennedy or would he rather crash monster trucks together? Would he terrorize the dogs? What would his bedroom look like? Would he be a picky eater? Would he be a good sleeper? And now I get to wonder about how he would have reacted to his baby sister, Quinn. Would he be jealous, loving, indifferent? Really, the questions go on and on and on.

I have a few friends in my life that have boys that were born in the months before and after Sam. It has been interesting to watch them grow and change the last few years. In the first months after we lost Sam, I would be deeply intrigued with any little boy I guessed was around Sam's age. I vividly remember one afternoon being at the playground in the mall with some friends and our kids. There was a boy that would have been close to Sam's age and I just stared at him nearly the entire time. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It was terribly painful to watch but I was mesmerized. I think I might have even cried a bit. My brain wanted to daydream about how my Sam would be similar and different. However, that just was like pouring salt in an already gaping wound. But as the days, months and now years go by the pain begins to dull a little. Watching little boys similar to Sam's age doesn't hurt as badly as it used it. Sometimes I will still get that deep, sudden stab of pain - the kind that literally takes your breath away - but it is fleeting now, where it used to last and last. Don't get me wrong, I still grieve. A lot. But it is just different now.


This time of year is always hard. Often Sam's actual birthday is a much easier day than the days leading up to it or the days following it. 2008, 2009 and 2010 produced wonderful weather days on March 4th. But this will likely not be the case today. But Kennedy (and Quinn) and I will still be taking balloons out to the cemetery.

1 Peter 5:10-11
¹⁰ In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. ¹¹ All power to him forever! Amen.

My sweet friend Nikki recently shared a song with me. She and I both have powerful reactions to music and have used many songs to help us work through the grieving process. Well, she gave me a copy of the entire CD and I have been thoroughly enjoying it. It is JJ Heller's new CD "When I'm With You". I have been singing the song 'Olivianna' over and over since she gave it to me. I will share the song and lyrics with you...take a listen if you like. (and one more thing....in the song she mentions that Olivanna lived 11 minutes....Sam lived 11 hours)


Olivianna - JJ Heller
Hearts broke... when your heart stopped beating
I don't... know if mine will ever stop bleeding
Eleven minutes to breathe you in
I felt the darkness
When I knew I couldn't hold you again When I knew I couldn't hold you again
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here
Life is... short, but it is wide I know it's true
You've touched more souls Than most people ever do
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here
You could not stay with us
We will come to you
You could not stay with us, ooh
You're going home, Love, where you belong
Oh my baby girl, I'll see you soon
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than...
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here


Happy Birthday my sweet boy. We love you and miss you every day.

Another Angel Baby

I just got the news that a scrappy friend of mine lost her daughter this morning. Sonda's family has the most amazing story. Her daughter, Baylee, was diagnosed with Leigh's syndrome as an infant and the doctors didn't expect her to live past 2 years old. Baylee had other plans! What a fighter she was! Last July the doctors found an agressive tumor that reached from her brain to her spinal cord. Baylee was given weeks to 3 months to live. For the past 6 months Sonda and her husband have put their lives on hold to cherish every last minute they could with their sweet girl. Baylee died in her mother's arms this morning, just a little over a month shy of her 14th birthday. You can read more about Baylee's story here and please feel free to leave the family a word or two of support.

My heart just breaks for them. I want so desperately to understand why these things happen. But I know it just isn't something God wants us to know, or that it is something our earthly minds just can't grasp. But I will continue to put my trust in Him. I believe that Baylee is being rocked in Jesus' arms, just as my sweet Sam is. And how wondrous it will be when we are both reunited in Heaven with our children!

Proverbs 3:5

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

Isaiah 26:4

⁴ Trust in the LORD forever,

for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

2 Samuel 12:23

²³ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

I don't know that I have shared this video or song with you all or not. So if I have, I apologize for my repost. Each time, and I mean EACH. TIME. I hear this song I cry. EACH. TIME. It still hurts so much, even 22 months later. Anyway, enjoy the son

g....Stephen Curtis Chapman is amazing. If you don't know his family's story you are missing out. He is such a great testament to faith and what it can and will do. Anyway, that is all a post in itself! So here is the song....oh and I decided to add a little blurb from him, too.....

And I will leave with my photo for today.....my sweet, sweet girl. I will now go give her extra kisses while she sleeps in bed. She is truly God's child, His gift to me.

January 9, 2010

Random Moments...

Just recording a memory I don't want to forget!!!! :)


Sept 29, 2009

Kennedy and I are driving down the street listening to Brandon Heath's "Give Me You Eyes," It is a gorgeous day - completely clear, blue skies. Out of the blue, Kennedy points to the sky with a huge smile and says "Sammy's up there!"

"He is?!" I respond.

"Yeah!"

"Is that where Heaven is?" I ask.

"Yea. I'm pointing to the sky!" she laughs, just in case I can't see her finger pointing upward.

"What do you think he is doing?" I ask.

"I don't know. I think he is swimming!!" she happily chirps.

"Oh fun!" I add, with joy so great it almost bursts my heart.

**Giggles*** heard from back seat.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And today, October 15th, is Remembrance Day.

On Remembrance Day, we light a candle in honor of each child we have lost. You are supposed to light it for at least one hour today so there will be a continuous wave of light all over the world for 24 hours.

I would love if you would light a candle in honor of my sweet boy sometime today.

Psalm 119:71 (New Living Translation)
71 My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.

19 Months

Today Sam would be 19 months old.

Last weekend Kennedy and I went to the cemetery and cleaned things up a bit. We pulled weeds around the teddy bear and wooden cross. I had planned to replace the white flowers with orange ones. Kennedy decided we needed to keep the white ones - so she placed them by one of his shepherd's hooks! We also brought him a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch.
I think Kennedy is finally realizing what the cemetery really is. I am so thankful that she isn't scared of it at all. We always walk around and she loves to ask about the names on the headstones. She loves to run everywhere!
I wanted to share a song with you all. I have been hearing it quite a bit lately on the radio - not sure why since it was on their album in 2004. Either way, I relate to so very much of it. It is "Homesick" by Mercy Me.

The song starts with:
You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I really feel this way about Sam. I have felt joy many, many times knowing he is safe in Heaven, knowing that he will never feel the pain of Earthly sin, knowing he didn't have to suffer. How wonderful it must have been to be welcomed into Heaven!!! But at the same time, I cry. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I grieve the memories we will never make together. And I often wonder how long it will be until I reunite with him in Heaven. I realize for him, 50 years is nothing in comparison with eternity! But should I be given a long life here on Earth, it will feel like such a very long time until I get to see Sam again!!!

Anyway, I am sharing the music video for this song, as well as the full lyrics. Enjoy.

homesick

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I‘ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord because I don’t understand Your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But even if You showed me the hurt would be the same
Because I’m still here so far away from home

Chorus

In Christ there are no goodbyes
In Christ there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

Chorus

CMH Butterfly Release

I am finally getting around to posting about the butterfly release at the Children's Mercy Memorial Service. I loved doing it last year and was really looking foward to it this year too!

After the service, everyone gets a butterfly in a box. We all go outside, a prayer is said, we all open our boxes, say our child's name and watch the butterflies flit around and eventually fly away. It is quite a breathtaking sight!

Last year, my butterfly didn't want to go...."he" hung around and sat on my shoulder for a bit before leaving! I remember my friend, Sally, saying "Look! Sam doesn't want to leave you!"

Well, this year something special happened as well! Jeff opened his box first and I tried to get photos (which didn't turn out so well....). The lil butterfly flitted in front of him for a second and flew away. I handed the camera to Jeff and opened my box. But my butterfly didn't move. It was happy to just sit on the box and take in the view! After a minute I tried to nudge it to fly and it fell to the ground. At first I was horrified, but then decided this was Sam telling me something again. :)

I scooped it up into my hand as gently as possible and tried to put it in the box again...but it fell another time. So I gently scooped it up again and Jeff held it for awhile. We tried multiple times to coax it to fly but decided maybe it was injured. We placed it back in the box and decided to tak it home with us.

As we were leaving, the staff was handing out extra butterflies, so we grabbed another box to take home to Kennedy!

Kennedy loved it so much!!!! She opened the box slowly and peeked at it! Then she opened it completely and it didn't fly away, so she put it on her finger!

It stayed a minute or so and flew away.

Then we told her about "my" butterfly. We took this one to the front yard. She knew to be extra extra gentle as it was likely injured. Kennedy just loved on this little butterfly. It would never fly away so she carried it around the front porch. She thought the rose bushes would be a good home for it and tried to put it on the leaves.

Then she changed her mind and wanted to put it in the potted plant by the front door. Then changed her mind again. I think she just wanted to hold it as long as she could!!! She was so precious - caring for it and being so soft!

Finally we put it deep in the branches of the potted plant on our porch and let it be. We checked on it again before bedtime and it was still there.


By the next morning, it was gone. I choose to believe it decided to come home with us, give all three of us great joy, and then fly away.....

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy.

Children's Mercy Hospital Memorial 2009

This Sunday was the yearly memorial for Children's Mercy Hospital. Each year they have a Memorial Service for children that have died at their hospital. We attended last year as well. This year was extra special because they were unveiling and dedicating the 2008 quilt.

Each year families can create a quilt block for their child. A group of volunteer puts the blocks together to create an amazing quilt. Myself and two friends from my grief group had stewed over our quilt blocks for months. We wanted them to be perfect and kind of stressed ourselves out over them! We all waited until the last minute to create them and turn them in. I created Sam's with digital scrapbooking materials, as did my friend Julie for her son, Micah. Our friend Sally had a family member create Tommy's quilt square. We were all pleased with how the quilt turned out. And I think we were all fairly surprised at how emotional it was. But I am so proud to see my boy's beautiful face on there!!! It will be displayed in the hospital for some years to come!

Here is the entire quilt:
Here is Sam's square.....

and a close up of the words if you need it....

This is Micah, son of my friends Julie and Kirk......
And this is Tommy, son of my friends Sally and Todd.....

Also at the memorial, they have a large tree set up. If you wish you can take a leaf, write a note to your child, and pin it to the tree......

And here is my note to Sam....
The Memorial was nice. At the end we do a butterfly release. I will save that story and those photos for another day and another post.

******************

We miss you everyday my dear boy!! I am so proud to call you my son and to share you with the world!!!

The Secret Garden - August

Join the discussion HERE.

This month we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Sam's bedroom was going to be Kennedy's old nursery. He was due in March, so we moved Kennedy out of the nursery and into a big girl room in January. We didn't know if Sam was going to be a girl or boy, and we hadn't known with Kennedy either. We did the room in greens and yellows to keep it neutral. We kept the same crib, furniture and bedding. We did inherit a wonderful changing table with awesome storage under it from Jeff's sister, Kate. So we had to rearrange furniture a bit. But other than that it was almost exactly the same as it was for Kennedy. We did take Kennedy's name off the wall and were planning on replacing it with our new baby's name.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
The room was completely ready! I had a few sleepers that were white and cream that could work for both genders - they were washed and ready. The basinette was set up in our bedroom with fresh sheets. The baby bouncers were out and ready. The Boppy, the blankies, the bottles, the diapers, the wipes, the swing....they were all ready. The carseat was installed in the van and ready to carry home our precious cargo.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
We were so very, very blessed to not HAVE to come home to it. My father and his wife were staying at our home with Kennedy. That had always been the plan. So, while I recovered from the c-section in the hospital, they put it all away. The took apart the swing, placed most of the baby items into the nursery, and then shut the door. I was so thankful to not have to look at it when we got home.

Did you pack it all away?
For about a year, it all just stayed in the nursery. I had two pregnant friends that had babies in May of this year and I lent them most of the bigger items like the carseat, basinette, bouncers, etc. The nursery kind of became a storage room - the door stayed closed always. Just recently I cleaned most of it up and packed most everything away.

What is your baby's room now?
The nursery is still a nursery...the furniture is all in its place. But I also store Kennedy's clothes in there - and anyone who knows me well knows that she has lots!!