Friday, March 4, 2011

three

1 Samuel 3:4 Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.”


Did I ever share this verse with all of you? Well, I call it Sam's verse. And the crazy thing is that he was born March 4th - 3/4. And check out the verse..1 Samuel 3:4. Some might call it coincidence - but I call it God. :) This was just one of the ways God showed me that his hand was all over Sam's short life and his death. This verse has brought me such peace. I think back to the night we said goodbye to Sam. He was in Daddy's arms when he likely heard the most amazing sound - God's voice calling him home. So he went from the arms of his earthly Daddy directly to the arms of his heavenly Daddy.

Psalm 34:18
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

So Sam would be celebrating his 3rd birthday today. THREE. Can that even be right?!
I often wonder what he would be like. Would he have his Dad's dark brown hair or my light brown hair? What about his eyes? We never got to see his eyes open and I have always felt bad about that. Would Sam be a talker like Kennedy or more reserved and quiet? What would his favorite activities be? Would he spend hours coloring with Kennedy or would he rather crash monster trucks together? Would he terrorize the dogs? What would his bedroom look like? Would he be a picky eater? Would he be a good sleeper? And now I ge
t to wonder about how he would have reacted to his baby sister, Quinn. Would he be jealous, loving, indifferent? Really, the questions go on and on and on.

I have a few friends in my life that have boys that were born in the months before and after Sam. It has been interesting to watch them grow and change the last few years. In the first months after we lost Sam, I would be deeply intrigued with any little boy I guessed was around Sam's age. I vividly remember one afternoon being at the playground in the mall with some friends and our kids. There was a boy that would have been close to Sam's age and I just stared at him nearly the entire time. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It was terribly painful to watch but I was mesmerized. I think I might have even cried a b
it. My brain wanted to daydream about how my Sam would be similar and different. However, that just was like pouring salt in an already gaping wound. But as the days, months and now years go by the pain begins to dull a little. Watching little boys similar to Sam's age doesn't hurt as badly as it used it. Sometimes I will still get that deep, sudden stab of pain - the kind that literally takes your breath away - but it is fleeting now, where it used to last and last. Don't get me wrong, I still grieve. A lot. But it is just different now.


This time of year is always hard. Often Sam's actual birthday is a much easier day than the days leading up to it or the days following it. 2008, 2009 and 2010 produced wonderful weather days on March 4th. But this will likely not be the case today. But Kennedy (and Quinn) and I will still be taking balloons out to the cemetery.


1 Peter 5:10-11
10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. 11 All power to him forever! Amen.

My sweet friend Nikki recently shared a song with me. She and I both have powerful reactions to music and have used many songs to help us work through the grieving process. Well, she gave me a copy of the entire CD and I have been thoroughly enjoying it. It is JJ Heller's new CD "When I'm With You". I have been singing the song 'Olivianna' over and over since she gave it to me. I will share the song and lyrics with you...take a listen if you like. (and one more thing....in the song she mentions that Olivanna lived 11 minutes....Sam lived 11 hours)


Olivianna - JJ Heller
Hearts broke... when your heart stopped beating
I don't... know if mine will ever stop bleeding
Eleven minutes to breathe you in
I felt the darkness

When I knew I couldn't hold you again
When I knew I couldn't hold you again
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here
Life is... short, but it is wide I know it's true
You've touched more souls
Than most people ever do
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here

You could not stay with us

We will come to you

You could not stay with us, ooh

You're going home, Love, where you belong
Oh my baby girl, I'll see you soon
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than...

Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



Happy Birthday my sweet boy. We love you and miss you every day.

4 comments:

  1. Happy Bithday Sam. Hope all of the Holsapples have a great day together remembering your little angel!

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  2. Oh Danielle. You write about your sorrow with such grace. My Elijah would be a few months away from three . . . I wonder many of the same things. This road sucks.

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  3. My heart bleeds for you - I cannot even image how hard this is for anyone. I deal with life and death on a daily basis but the children always just rip my heart out. Hugs!

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  4. If you not mine my asking, how did your little one past? I know how it feel. Having another child doesn't replace the one gone. I had a tragic,nightmare situation to occur.

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